It took many attempts to write this entry, maybe a few backspaces and just plain lost of words. I do not know what prompted me to try again, and somehow, this came along. Now, I was able to spit out some words that may make some sense--and maybe close to what I have been wanting to write about.
I saw a post on Instragram that gave me a little bit more of a push. It made sense, as if it was what was bothering me these past few days. The post read:
"I'm attracted to your rawness. Your unguarded way of living. There's life in that."
I have met so many beautiful and interesting individuals in my life so far. All shapes and sizes, different personalities, from all walks in life, and with different goals in mind. Some I met through unavoidable circumstances, some by accident, and some I personally took the time to look for. Some of these individuals made a little more impact in my life than the others, but the point is, they all have some degree of influence in my life.
I realized over the last few years that I have been so "guarded." I think the perfect word would be that. I guard my emotions closely. I always take a step back and try to see what are the true intentions of every person I meet. I am not sure when it started to be that way because I used to trust people easily--but it just became so.
I can only guess that I have been this way because things happened in the past and it made me like a little rock. Not a rock without emotions, but a rock that shows up when it wants to show up. Like a pebble that goes in surface in the ocean.
There are certain things I admire about people. People who are true to their emotions and their beliefs. Whether I agree with them or not, there is always something admirable when people stand to who they are and not care what others think. That is pretty hard to do. I cannot even be 100% that way because I do care what others think sometimes. I am not about to lie about that.
There is also some degree of "rawness" and genuineness to each individual that I have met. Some have shown who they are as if they are a crystal clear ball, some just did it to impress me, and some really just thought they are that way. Maybe there are more perspectives to this, but I can only write so much.
I think what disappoints me is that, when I let my guard down, things change. People change. Some take you for granted, and some just turn out not to be the person you thought you knew. When that happens, my heart takes a little beating, maybe a little crying here and there hoping it was just a mistake--and when it finally hits me, my brain takes over. My brain protects me. Mind over emotions. When it becomes like that, I care a little less, and this rock goes back deep in the ocean until it surfaces again.